Thursday, January 30, 2014

The Year Thus Far

We are 30 days into 2014. And I'm already tired. How about you? Well, I was tired in 2013, so I guess it's no surprise that carried over into the new year. Right? I'm starting to think it has something to do with "being of age" after 40. Tired is the new black. Or something like that.

Sitting on the couch has become my new favorite thing to do.
I'm pretty sure that it's an 'after 40' thing as well. Or, maybe I'm just a slow learner.

What I've learned in the last 30 days:

1. Are you taking part of the "Un-Word" craze? Picking the one word you WON'T be this year? I've seen all sorts of things: Un-Frantic, Un-Hurried, Un-Stressed.
I've picked mine. You ready for it? 'Un-Vegetables'. I hate them. I'm going to do my best, my very best, to avoid them this year.

2. I like to watch my kids cry. It brings me a perverse kind of happiness. Yes, I know I'm whacked. This is not news.
Child #1 is full-tilt, maxed-out busy. The musical starts tomorrow and I feel like I haven't seen this daughter of mine for over a week. I get small glimpses of her every now and then.
Solo and Ensemble Contest for choir is coming up and I asked her if she wanted to participate. She nearly died. Well, her exact response was something like, "Nope. Oh, nope. Nada. Can't do it. I'll cry."
And me, being me, said, "Do it. For sure. I like seeing you cry."
She informed me that I am an inspirational mother.
Ah....so sweet.

3. This came in the mail. Again.
Did they not get my note about the last catalog? That this kind of material should not be freely given to the public? I'm telling you, it's scandalous.

And you won't believe what they've done.
I'm serious. You won't believe it.
They took one of my very fave candies and shaped it into a heart!
"Pure joy in every bite"?!!!!!
More like pure candy porn. I'm telling ya.
I've had dreams about the pictures in this catalog. For legit.

4. Teenagers need hearing aids. Why on earth is the hearing aid business not marketing to mothers with teenagers? They could be making millions. Just make those hearing aids look like ear buds, and you're golden. I'd buy dozens.
Because, here's the thing-- They pretend not to hear you. Or, that they "didn't know". It makes a parent want to do something irrational, like shake them. Or choke. Either would work.
Oh, and when you don't agree with a teenager, all of a sudden you're "Yelling" at them. I can show you yelling, my friend. Just you wait.
With a hearing aid, I could turn it up to full volume, get down in my teenager's face and make sure to talk real slow. Then there would be no denying.
I should get a patent on this genius idea.

5. While watching Downtown Abbey last Sunday, I found myself wishing for my own Ladies Maid. You know, someone to make me breakfast. Help me put on my fancy jewels for dinner. That kind of thing.
As I laid in bed that night, thinking about this wish, I realized something. I AM the Ladies Maid. For everyone else.

6. I'm slightly obsessed with collecting Washi Tape.
I don't know why. There is no good reason for me to buy cute, paper tape. But yet, I do. I can't help it.

7. I'm a bad parent.
Well, we already knew this. But this fact has just been refreshed for me.
Child #2 loves, loves, loves The Bachelor. Yes, I know it's weird. And yes, I know she's 14 and shouldn't watch it. Bad parent, remember?
But it is kinda funny. She watches the show and the entire time she makes fun of the girls. Lots of eye rolls. Lot of "oh please!" coming from her mouth. And she also claims the Bachelor isn't even very cute. I have no idea why she watches it. Guess what else she loves to watch on TV? Home remodeling shows. I know, it makes no sense.
But here's the bad parent part...The 11 year old has started watching The Bachelor too. When the show first started I stomped my foot and put my hands on my hips and demanded that The Favorite Baby Child would not, absolutely not!, watch this show. I made Child #2 pinky promise not to watch it when her little sister was around.
Well, guess what? The Favorite is totally into the show and which girls are dumb and which girls should get a rose. For the love.
I shouldn't be allowed to be a parent.

8. Tomorrow is an anniversary. 19 years ago, an Idaho-farmer-turned-style-conscious-pretty-boy asked me to marry him. And my life has never been the same. In all the fantastic ways. I adore that farmer. Maybe he'll scour that candy porn catalog and buy me some heart shaped chocolates. Or maybe, he'll just come home. Because, let's be honest, would you come back here every night? The fact that he does kinda makes him a knight in shining armor (that was made by Banana Republic).

Enjoy your Thursday my friends.

1 comment :

julie said...

Lisa, you are so amazingly clever! I love reading every word and enjoying the whole domestic splendor of your humorous prose!