Tuesday, August 27, 2013

The Forms

Can we just chat about school forms for a sec? Hmm? Let's just ask a simple question: What's the deal? I mean, really. I need to know. Actually, I think moms everywhere need to know.

Why so many? Form after form. Endless writing. We live in an age where you can deposit a check by taking a picture on your phone. So, for the love of mercy, can't we simply this process? Maybe we could start a petition.

Should we discuss how tiny the spacing is? You're required to write your address, phone #s and emails on a miniscule line only long enough to write the word, 'Stupid'. And what's even better? The more kids you have, the more forms you fill out. Trees are dying across America just so I can fill out 3 sets of the Exact. Same. Form.

No one tells you about the forms when you're young, in love, wanting to have kids and dreaming of good parenting skills. There needs to be a warning. A billboard, maybe? More kids=more forms. Choose wisely.

Wanna know something hilarious? Because, you know me, I like to look on the bright side (or not). Last night I held 3 of the same form in my hand, 1 for each kid. And guess what? They all had wrong information, all in different sections. Good glory, I live in the same city as NASA. Someone around here has to be smart enough to simplify this process. Seriously.

Wanna know my favorite forms? The ones that require the dad's signature. Oh, be real. Dads are never around for the tedious, crappy parts of parenting. They're off at important meetings where they're being told they're awesome. So, now I have to put half of the forms off to the side and then make sure I have time to remember to have the dad sign them. That's ridiculous on so many levels.

What if I just write down my cell phone # on a sticky note and send it in to the school? If they have a question, they can call me. Really. This idea feels kinda genius. Who's game?

Monday, August 26, 2013

And All Became Right In The World Again

2 in high school.
1 in elementary.

Ya'll, the silence is so delicious, I could eat it with a spoon.
I can't stop giggling. Truly.

Friday, August 23, 2013

The Home Stretch

Raise your hand if you're ready for school to start. I'm actually raising both so that it feels more like prayer than a request. Because, let's face it, the last 2 weeks of summer are cruel. They wear a mother down to a stub. Just yesterday I decided that I'm now allergic to their voices. Honestly.

The Husband had a brilliant stroke of intuition and took the day off work. I'm fairly certain he knew the safety of our offspring was in jeopardy. He's smart like that. I, on the other hand, am not. For the last 10 days, I've been convinced that my brains will fall right out if I even attempt to use them. I've slipped over the edge of crazy.

And, because I'm on the far side of unhinged, I gathered the children close so we could "bond while doing fun stuff". That totally sounds like the normal me, right?

We made taffy. Why? Because it's what we do every summer. And, just like tradition, it was an epic fail. But, they still tried to eat it none-the-less. The result? Stickiness everywhere. The counter, hands, people's legs, the floor, the kitchen rugs. It was awesome.

We also made giant bubbles. Because, you know, who doesn't want to play outside when it's 400 degrees?

The coolness factor of this "bonding while doing fun stuff that lasted for only 15 minutes", may have earned me moments with kids who actually liked me. But again, it only lasted 15 minutes.

Yesterday I was a super-genius and took them all to the dentist. At the same time. That's a lot of Fosters in a confined space. All 3 girls were in different sections of the office, and I would walk between to check on them. At one point I found Child #2 roaming around the office with her dental-bib-thing still hanging over her chest. When she noticed me, she simply said, "Hey, I'm bored." I just turned around and walked away.

Child #1 needs her wisdom teeth out soon and #2 needs some minor mouth surgery. Oh, and #3 needs braces. When the dental assistant handed over that information, I just stared at her with big eyes. I asked her if any of those procedures required them to stay home and recuperate for longer than 2 hours. I was really disappointed in her answer.

I just need to make it to Monday.
I think I can, I think I can...

Monday, August 12, 2013

5 Discoveries On A Weekend

1. I made Child #1 clean out her closet. I do not mention this lightly. It's a deal. A huge deal. I made her pull everything, and I mean everything, out into the light of day, so it could be dealt with. Let me just tell you, there are no words to describe this experience. None. People, I found a sandwich in her closet. A sandwich!

2. All the closet cleaning incited a heated discussion on who would take over the room once #1 moved out. It was a full course debate that lasted hours.

3. My kids discovered that our house has a laundry shoot. We have lived here for almost 6 years and I've kept it a secret. On purpose. Whenever they asked about the large opening in the ceiling of the laundry room, I claimed it was an "air vent". Can you imagine what they could have done with this knowledge? Oh, I can. The moment I saw that little tunnel, I knew that the middle child would try to shove the youngest through it. Now they're just too old to fit. But the fact that they now know it exists still makes me nervous.

4. The Husband and I spent nearly 2 hours on Saturday afternoon watching a show about tattoos. Bad tattoos, to be exact. And how they get new ones to cover up the stupid ones. Riveting stuff. We sat on the couch and watched episode after episode, while eating animal crackers. I'm totally not kidding.

5. Summer has reached that point where you want to just choke on the endless craziness. To lighten my mood, I went to Target and stood in the school supplies aisles. I closed my eyes and took deep, cleansing breathes. I had no idea that school supplies could smell like joy. I almost hyperventilated on my own happiness. 14 more days to go, my friends. 14 more days.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Day Sixty Two- Around Town

When you live in a city that rates the same temperatures as the face of the sun, you have to get creative.
We have been to tour a candy factory, the Blue Bell ice cream factory and to an indoor pizza-play-spend-all-your-money place. Apparently, all our adventures have to include food. Maybe I should just start taking them all to the grocery store and saying, "Surprise!".

For a change of pace, we got all dressed up so we could look like a normal family, and went to see Wicked. It was magical. The show and the 'normal family' part.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Can We Please Have Badges?

Things I hate (in order of intensity):

1. People wasting my time.
2. Vegetables.
3. Anything that requires me to wear a swimsuit.
4. Sand.
5. Sunscreen.

So, now you know. I will be honest and admit that this is only a partial list. But for now, these are the 5 things I loathe. With this in mind, you can only imagine the shock that occurred when I actually took my kids to the beach. To. The. Beach! Truth be told, if my sister wasn't with me, I would have faked having pneumonia to get out of it.

Once we returned home and I vacuumed 500 pounds of sand out of my car and did 84 loads of laundry and then put away all the crap we didn't need but took anyway, I decided something: We need badges. You know, like the scouts. They do a bunch of useless stuff and they get a badge to sew onto some big, green, beauty-pageant-sash-thing. Are you seeing what I'm saying? Mother's need badges.

Because I, Lisa Foster, do not, DO NOT, do the beach. But I did it anyway. So I want a badge to sew onto a sash-thing. I think we all should get one. They should hand you your first badge when you birth the first child. And from that day on, every time you do something you really despise doing, all for the sake of your children's happiness, you get a badge.

Just think about it. You show up to Walmart and everyone has their sash-thing on. Because seriously, I'd wear my sash everywhere I went. I'd probably tie it to my car antenna so it could regally flap in the wind when I picked up the children from the high school.

I really think this is one of my most stellar ideas. Truly.
Who's with me? I'll start making sash-things tonight.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

A Day To Be A Sister

It's Sister's Day today. Did you know? Probably not, because it's a holiday we created on our own. Years ago. We actually tried to remember when we started this sister holiday, and not one of us has a clue. My guess is 8 or 9 years ago. That's a lot of Sister Days.

We spend the day together. No friends. Just sisters. Well, of course I have to tag along because I'm their personal wallet. The older they get the more expensive this day becomes. But I honestly don't care. These girls laughed together, ate lunch together and even danced wildly in the car while singing loud. You just can't put a price on that kind of joy. It's a Sister joy.

Happiness comes in 3's.
At least for me it does.
Today was just a spectacular reminder.