Monday, April 28, 2014

Sometimes You Can't Ignore The Crazy

I have a superpower.
It's my ability to ignore all the whack-job crazy this family brings to the table. My power has been honed over time. It's now razor sharp.

In the early years, (like when Child #2 was 3 years old. And was brought to my doorstep by a total stranger because this child had walked all the way to a main road! And then willingly got in this stranger's car and showed her where we lived!) I wasn't such an expert at the ignoring. I am now. Boy howdy, I'm a master.

But every once in a blue moon, I unconsciously (because who would willingly?) take a step back and view the crazy with untrained eyes. I really don't like it when my mind does this. It's like my superpower gets a glitch and let's me see reality. It's so stupid.

I noticed a certain child, who won't be named, was using nail clippers while sitting on the couch watching TV. Before you even cringe, this is a regular occurrence. With more than 1 child. Nail clipping happens on the couch. I can't understand it. I yell, stomp my feet, scream and turn in circles, and they still persist in the clipping. And because I have much bigger battles to fight, I succumb to defeat.

Our house also fosters heaping doses of laziness. So of course, the clippers remained where they started. And of course, I went to clean them up. And found that the child who won't be named had clipped the webby fingers right off the plastic frog. Poor guy. I can't decide if it's morbid, creepy or just dumb.

That's just the tip of the iceberg crazy.

The favorite baby child has become obsessed with a stuffed elephant:
As we were waiting for the bus this morning, she was frantic about where she had laid this elephant to rest while she was at school. I tried to convince her I would take care of the stuffed thing, but she wasn't convinced. Smart girl. Because, really? I totally wasn't even going to look for it.

And if you're friends with The Husband on Facebook, you've seen Child #1 in action. With helium. It's the best video ever. Ever! I took it months ago and she pleaded, demanded it not get posted anywhere in the Internet Universe. The Dad lost all parental cool yesterday when he sent it out to the world.

Oh, and just for fun, because you need to know, The Helium Child plays with her eyebrows when she's concentrating or tired. She just runs her finger over them and they get all wonky and bushy. The whole family is trained to point out when she has an eyebrow askew. So, if you're ever visiting our home (watch your back if you do) and you hear someone yell, "Calm the caterpillar!!" you'll know what it means.

Crazy in the coolest kind of way.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

The Truth Of All (Some) Things

I have a secret.
Well, I have lots of secrets.
But this one is big. Super big. And I'm coming clean.

I have an addiction.

To puzzles.

I can't really pinpoint when or how my puzzle hoarding became a "situation". But, I'm telling you, for reals, I have a problem. My sister has gone to extremes and called me an 85 year old woman. So not nice. And words coming from a girl who still wears her high school t-shirts just don't hold much weight. I can easily ignore them.

2 weeks ago I bought a new puzzle. I just couldn't help myself. Literally. I had to have it. That night, I gave it to The Husband and told him to hide it away. I made him cross his heart, hope to die and not give it to me until my birthday.
No. Matter. What.

So far, so good. He's held true. Even when I called him after a parent meeting at the school crying so hard I could hardly speak, he didn't give in. Pure strength, that man. Because I was tempted to put him into a choke hold to find it's location. Desperate times, and all that.

Just this morning I asked The Husband if he actually still remembers where said puzzle was hidden. (Because it's a real possibility he doesn't.) Thankfully, he knows. At least about the puzzle. I've also bought myself a shirt and a pair of earrings for him to give me on my birthday (aren't I so clever). He may, or may not, recall where those are. My birthday gifts may be on the lean side this year.

And just in case you want to know, 1,000 piece puzzles are my favorite.
And my birthday is in 11 days.

I think I'm going to make a paper chain.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Rising Above

Every now and then, my kids miraculously rise above their DNA. They heroically show that they can, at all odds, be better than their inherited genetics.

It's shocking and magical, all at the same time.

Child #1 made National Honor Society.

Somewhere along the way, a recessive smart gene must have slipped into her lineup. Because clearly, she does not take after either of her parents.

Thank heavens for miracles.

Monday, April 21, 2014

How We Do The Bunny Day

I have good intentions when it comes to Easter.
Every year.
I truly do.

But then I go to the store, and the candy goodness sucks me in.
The Peeps. Oh, The Peeps.
I speak your name with reverence.

And I consider, for 1.3 milliseconds, switching it up. In this house, we have scads of candy. Miles and miles of it. On a daily basis. So, every Easter I get this twitch of an idea to put vegetables in their baskets. Carrots, broccoli, maybe a zucchini (I honestly bet it's been years since I bought broccoli). I would probably put in a lovely container of Ranch dip, just because I'm awesome like that.

But then......
You know.....
The Peeps {sigh}
And the Reese's Bunny the size of my hand {tears of joy}

So, candy it is. So. Much. Candy.
Now that everyone is in school today, I want to lay on the floor and cover myself with it all. But I won't. Maybe.

Child #3 was kind enough to type up an "Easter List". She spent hours on it. First, she texted it to me. When I rolled my eyes at her, she upped her game. She spent an hour making a colored coded list and then posted it by the phone.

At one point she had "Redo my room" on the list. Obviously she realized that was a little extravagant for an Easter basket, and removed that item. And it was way super nice of her to give the Easter Bunny the option of black OR gray Toms. Such a sweet girl.

I left the egg dying up to my sister. Anything labor intensive, messy, or in any way difficult, I try to pawn off on her. Works nearly every time. Best sister ever. And we will NOT discuss the fact that Angel Baby is sitting near the edge of the counter and could fall off any minute.

While waiting for the bus this morning with Child #3, I confessed to her that I'm a terrible mother. I explained that I focused way too much on candy instead of focusing on the Savior and His sacrifice for us. You know, the actual real reason for Easter.

Her response? "Oh, you're totally a good mom. We talked about that stuff really quick in the car, on the way to church."


Make sure you eat a Peep today.
Or seven.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Apparently, Doctor's Tell The Truth

Spoiler Alert: Pictures may hurt your eyes.

I had more skin cancer removed.
I had forgotten what cauterized, burning flesh smells like.
So that was a nice reminder.

This is me. In my 2nd ever selfie:
13 stitches and super cute earrings.
The Husband inquired why I avoid eye contact in my only 2 selfies.
I told him that I'm trying to keep the mystery alive.

I ran a bazillion errands looking like this. I have no shame.

The doctor told me that my face might have swelling.
I totally, completely didn't believe her.
Because seriously, this ain't my first rodeo.
Swelling? Psssh. Whateves.

Um. my forehead looks like it might have swallowed a gigantic jelly bean.

So, I iced my face. Or really, my forehead. So the jelly bean would go away.

It did.
But it just oozed down into  my eye. For the holy moly! I have got to stop taking scary looking selfies. My eye is so swollen, I don't even dare drive. It's all sorts of ridiculous. I feel like my own personal freak show.

I mean, what do you do from here? Cucumber slices?

I may, or may not, have considered putting hemorrhoid cream on that side of my face. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I might find an extra large Easter bonnet to wear on Sunday.
With matching sunglasses.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Speaking Of....

Do you ever feel like you're drowning when it comes to your parenting skills? Like you're completely out of your league? Yes? Daily? I know. Me too.

When your kids are little, you fight singular battles. They usually involve just the child and your own physical exhaustion. I had a 2 year old that pulled out all her hair. 3 times within 1 year. I was way out of my league with that one.

But then your kids grow up. And your battles expand. You have to parent your child vs. the world. With a heavy dose of technology mixed in. There really is no league for all that. The Pinterest world doesn't cover that kind of stuff. Because it's just too real and too hard. You know?

I need to create a site for parents of teenagers. I could call it, "Survive Or Die".

It's been a heavy few weeks of parenting around here. Can you tell?

Speaking of teenagers....I applied for a job. A few months ago. With the school district. What does that have to do with teenagers? Well, in their lengthy application process, they ask if you speak any languages. And guess what I wrote......Teenager. For serious.

In my official job application, I put down that I speak Teenager.
Because, really. I do.
I thought it was rather clever. No? Yes?
I never got asked to come in for an interview.
I know, shocking.

Speaking of shocking....I've been sewing. Not by choice, mind you. Sewing is not in my skill set. Not even close.

Children #1 and #2 need scripture clothing for a Youth Conference. I can't even talk about the logistics of making said clothing, because I will cry. Big, huge Texas tears.

The sewing machine I have was my mother's when she was in high school! I rarely, or never, pull it out. It weighs as much as a baby hippo.

Yesterday, after I was 4 hours deep into my sewing extravaganza (nightmare), I came to the conclusion that I would willing sell any organ at that very moment in exchange for free sewing time.

No need to offer your services now, because I'm all done. I bet they start unraveling within the first 15 minutes after they put them on. Guess what? I don't even care. I'll just send along a roll of duct tape.

See? I told you I speak Teenager.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Gift From The Girls

The Stats

On this day:

I have loved him for 19 years.
That's 6,935 days.
Give or take a few where he was really annoying.

And he also celebrates his birthday.
But, I can't tell you his age. That's just embarrassing.
We got married when he turned 30. Does that help?

Happy birthday/anniversary (birthsary?) to the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

That's something you just can't count.

For legit.

Monday, April 7, 2014

The Bullet Points

I organize my life like a bullet point list. In my head, I tend to keep tabs on all the random and strange that makes up this family. I have no idea why. Maybe I'm just wired to think in the form of lists. I love them. They make everything feel orderly and logical when reality is just a crazy big ball pit. You know?

Bullet #1-
Pom Poms are everywhere on the Internet. Big ones, small ones. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has "claimed" they are easy to make. And right now, I heart the pom poms a whole, huge ton. So, in my head, I said to myself, "How hard can it be?" I decided to make an entire room full of pom poms. Scads of them. Enough to cover the globe!
And then I made 3.
These stupid pom poms brought me to my knees and tears to my eyes.

Let's just say I'm far too obsessive about the exactness of the circular shape. These poms started out quite large. And then my crazy senses kicked in and I just trimmed them to death. Every angle just didn't look round enough, so I clipped away. It took me an hour to make these irritating balls of puff.

From now on, I'm going to out-source the pom pom making.

Bullet #2-
Last night I had a crystal clear dream that I was trying to take the perfect picture to post on my blog. Seriously? Apparently so. I was making the children jump off a ledge into water. They had to repeat the action several times to get it just right. Clearly, my priorities are a little imbalanced.

Bullet #3-
On Saturday, Child #3 and her friend decided to make cupcakes. It was one of those afternoons where I just wanted her to be involved in an activity that required nothing from me. So, they baked away.

2 hours later, she texted The Husband and I to let us know they were standing on the corner selling cupcakes. Truly, I had no idea they had even left the house.
Being the good mother I am. I walked out to investigate. The cupcakes had drawn a large crowd. All under the age of 11. I told her she couldn't run in the street. And then I walked back home and sat on the couch. Why, oh why, have parenting magazines around the world not called me to write expert articles for them? It's a mystery.

Bullet #4-
Child #2 split her pants. For reals. She said she bent over to take a funny picture with her friends and they ripped right open. Apparently, hand-me-down jeans will only last so long.
As of today, this girl now only owns 1 pair of jeans and 1 pair of yoga pants. I'm totally considering looking up the school dress code to see if she can wear pajama pants.

Enjoy your Monday.
Make your own bullet point list and don't split your pants.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

What I Found While Sitting On My Couch

Do you remember how the chia seeds made me lose all faith in humanity?
I was fraught with despair. For days.

But then today, I stumbled upon a golden nugget of wisdom and truth.
My faith has been restored.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

March Madness

The official 'March Madness' title belongs to basketball. Right? Or is it football? I'm pretty sure it's basketball. I keep hearing about "brackets". At first I thought there was a new craze for shelf support. I mean, cute, decorative brackets are hard to find. But then Child #1 pointed out that the boys in her English class have full blown verbal battles over their "basketball brackets". Why, oh why, would you waste your oxygen talking about pretend, made-up team stats. Way weird.

Has anyone ever considered designing their brackets based on color scheme? What if you grouped teams together based on how well their outfits would look together when they play? Or, you could even pair winter-colored outfits with summer-colored uniforms. Hidden under my charm, I may just be an athletically statistical genius. Just sayin'.

But really. March is over. Does that mean that basketball is over? I honestly don't care, but now I'm getting curious. Seriously. And now it's April. What sport takes over in April? Badminton?

Here's our highlights from the madness during March:

1. I took my very first selfie. Ever.
I've never taken one. Nor have I ever googled my name.
This is me. With an atrocious bandaid. I'm fairly certain I have more skin cancer growing. So, my alarmingly gorgeous dermatologist took a biopsy. Here's my concern-- If we have the technology to make an artificial heart, we are more than capable of making bandaids to match our skin tone. I mean, honestly! At least I was wearing cute earrings and lipgloss.

2. Chia seeds are everywhere. I've noticed. They are "supposedly" healthy. Which means, I've ignored any information regarding them. In my mind, healthy equals vegetables. And vegetables are evil.

But, here's what I learned that has made me lose faith in humanity-- those stupid, healthy chia seeds, the ones I see mixed in with stuff at Costco? They're the very same seeds used on the Chia Pet!! Holy Moly, stop the world!

We made a Duck Dynasty Willie chia head over Christmas. After 3 days, it was so disgusting, I threw it away. And now. Now! I discover people are eating them. Oh, I have no words. None at all. This is the very reason why people should invest more money in chocolate chips.

3. I made a chalkboard wall in my kitchen. The children draw on it all the time. It's tender. Sweet, even.

Here's our family that the Favorite Baby Child drew:
Let's note just a couple of things, shall we? One, we don't have hair. Two, we all have our mouths open wide. Are we screaming? Yelling at one another? Shouting for help? Maybe we are all just eating slices of watermelon. Yes?

4. There is no more BBC Sherlock Holmes or Downton Abbey to watch.
Life has been drained of it's joy.

5. I found this little quote on Pinterest and sent it to Child #1. I have a strange tendency to text her lots of random things. Subconsciously, I'm hoping she will get in trouble for using her phone during class. Then I can ground her and make her stay home and talk to me.
Child #1 has decided this is now her official motto.

6. Exhibit A why Child #3 is The Favorite:

7. And last but not least:
This was on the back of the car I followed on the way to the high school today. I took a picture out my front window. So awesome.

Awesomer than chia seeds.