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Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Speaking Of....


Do you ever feel like you're drowning when it comes to your parenting skills? Like you're completely out of your league? Yes? Daily? I know. Me too.

When your kids are little, you fight singular battles. They usually involve just the child and your own physical exhaustion. I had a 2 year old that pulled out all her hair. 3 times within 1 year. I was way out of my league with that one.

But then your kids grow up. And your battles expand. You have to parent your child vs. the world. With a heavy dose of technology mixed in. There really is no league for all that. The Pinterest world doesn't cover that kind of stuff. Because it's just too real and too hard. You know?

I need to create a site for parents of teenagers. I could call it, "Survive Or Die".

It's been a heavy few weeks of parenting around here. Can you tell?

Speaking of teenagers....I applied for a job. A few months ago. With the school district. What does that have to do with teenagers? Well, in their lengthy application process, they ask if you speak any languages. And guess what I wrote......Teenager. For serious.

In my official job application, I put down that I speak Teenager.
Because, really. I do.
I thought it was rather clever. No? Yes?
I never got asked to come in for an interview.
I know, shocking.

Speaking of shocking....I've been sewing. Not by choice, mind you. Sewing is not in my skill set. Not even close.


Children #1 and #2 need scripture clothing for a Youth Conference. I can't even talk about the logistics of making said clothing, because I will cry. Big, huge Texas tears.

The sewing machine I have was my mother's when she was in high school! I rarely, or never, pull it out. It weighs as much as a baby hippo.

Yesterday, after I was 4 hours deep into my sewing extravaganza (nightmare), I came to the conclusion that I would willing sell any organ at that very moment in exchange for free sewing time.

No need to offer your services now, because I'm all done. I bet they start unraveling within the first 15 minutes after they put them on. Guess what? I don't even care. I'll just send along a roll of duct tape.

See? I told you I speak Teenager.


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Gift From The Girls





The Stats


On this day:

I have loved him for 19 years.
That's 6,935 days.
Give or take a few where he was really annoying.

And he also celebrates his birthday.
But, I can't tell you his age. That's just embarrassing.
We got married when he turned 30. Does that help?


Happy birthday/anniversary (birthsary?) to the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

That's something you just can't count.

For legit.


Monday, April 7, 2014

The Bullet Points


I organize my life like a bullet point list. In my head, I tend to keep tabs on all the random and strange that makes up this family. I have no idea why. Maybe I'm just wired to think in the form of lists. I love them. They make everything feel orderly and logical when reality is just a crazy big ball pit. You know?


Bullet #1-
Pom Poms are everywhere on the Internet. Big ones, small ones. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has "claimed" they are easy to make. And right now, I heart the pom poms a whole, huge ton. So, in my head, I said to myself, "How hard can it be?" I decided to make an entire room full of pom poms. Scads of them. Enough to cover the globe!
And then I made 3.
These stupid pom poms brought me to my knees and tears to my eyes.

Let's just say I'm far too obsessive about the exactness of the circular shape. These poms started out quite large. And then my crazy senses kicked in and I just trimmed them to death. Every angle just didn't look round enough, so I clipped away. It took me an hour to make these irritating balls of puff.

From now on, I'm going to out-source the pom pom making.


Bullet #2-
Last night I had a crystal clear dream that I was trying to take the perfect picture to post on my blog. Seriously? Apparently so. I was making the children jump off a ledge into water. They had to repeat the action several times to get it just right. Clearly, my priorities are a little imbalanced.


Bullet #3-
On Saturday, Child #3 and her friend decided to make cupcakes. It was one of those afternoons where I just wanted her to be involved in an activity that required nothing from me. So, they baked away.

2 hours later, she texted The Husband and I to let us know they were standing on the corner selling cupcakes. Truly, I had no idea they had even left the house.
Being the good mother I am. I walked out to investigate. The cupcakes had drawn a large crowd. All under the age of 11. I told her she couldn't run in the street. And then I walked back home and sat on the couch. Why, oh why, have parenting magazines around the world not called me to write expert articles for them? It's a mystery.


Bullet #4-
Child #2 split her pants. For reals. She said she bent over to take a funny picture with her friends and they ripped right open. Apparently, hand-me-down jeans will only last so long.
As of today, this girl now only owns 1 pair of jeans and 1 pair of yoga pants. I'm totally considering looking up the school dress code to see if she can wear pajama pants.


Enjoy your Monday.
Make your own bullet point list and don't split your pants.



Sunday, April 6, 2014

What I Found While Sitting On My Couch


Do you remember how the chia seeds made me lose all faith in humanity?
I was fraught with despair. For days.

But then today, I stumbled upon a golden nugget of wisdom and truth.
My faith has been restored.



Wednesday, April 2, 2014

March Madness


The official 'March Madness' title belongs to basketball. Right? Or is it football? I'm pretty sure it's basketball. I keep hearing about "brackets". At first I thought there was a new craze for shelf support. I mean, cute, decorative brackets are hard to find. But then Child #1 pointed out that the boys in her English class have full blown verbal battles over their "basketball brackets". Why, oh why, would you waste your oxygen talking about pretend, made-up team stats. Way weird.

Has anyone ever considered designing their brackets based on color scheme? What if you grouped teams together based on how well their outfits would look together when they play? Or, you could even pair winter-colored outfits with summer-colored uniforms. Hidden under my charm, I may just be an athletically statistical genius. Just sayin'.

But really. March is over. Does that mean that basketball is over? I honestly don't care, but now I'm getting curious. Seriously. And now it's April. What sport takes over in April? Badminton?



Here's our highlights from the madness during March:

1. I took my very first selfie. Ever.
I've never taken one. Nor have I ever googled my name.
This is me. With an atrocious bandaid. I'm fairly certain I have more skin cancer growing. So, my alarmingly gorgeous dermatologist took a biopsy. Here's my concern-- If we have the technology to make an artificial heart, we are more than capable of making bandaids to match our skin tone. I mean, honestly! At least I was wearing cute earrings and lipgloss.


2. Chia seeds are everywhere. I've noticed. They are "supposedly" healthy. Which means, I've ignored any information regarding them. In my mind, healthy equals vegetables. And vegetables are evil.

But, here's what I learned that has made me lose faith in humanity-- those stupid, healthy chia seeds, the ones I see mixed in with stuff at Costco? They're the very same seeds used on the Chia Pet!! Holy Moly, stop the world!

We made a Duck Dynasty Willie chia head over Christmas. After 3 days, it was so disgusting, I threw it away. And now. Now! I discover people are eating them. Oh, I have no words. None at all. This is the very reason why people should invest more money in chocolate chips.


3. I made a chalkboard wall in my kitchen. The children draw on it all the time. It's tender. Sweet, even.

Here's our family that the Favorite Baby Child drew:
Let's note just a couple of things, shall we? One, we don't have hair. Two, we all have our mouths open wide. Are we screaming? Yelling at one another? Shouting for help? Maybe we are all just eating slices of watermelon. Yes?


4. There is no more BBC Sherlock Holmes or Downton Abbey to watch.
Life has been drained of it's joy.


5. I found this little quote on Pinterest and sent it to Child #1. I have a strange tendency to text her lots of random things. Subconsciously, I'm hoping she will get in trouble for using her phone during class. Then I can ground her and make her stay home and talk to me.
Child #1 has decided this is now her official motto.


6. Exhibit A why Child #3 is The Favorite:


7. And last but not least:
This was on the back of the car I followed on the way to the high school today. I took a picture out my front window. So awesome.

Awesomer than chia seeds.



Friday, March 28, 2014

You Know You Have A Problem When


Every now and then, I decide to treat sugar like decor. It's like this impulse I can't ignore. So, I gather it all together. Well, not all of it. That would just be mountains of candy. I'm not that crazy. But I do arrange it. All lovely and such. Why? Because I can. And it looks so cute.


It's like a treat buffet at the ready. I really, super-dee-duper bad, want to line up the Reese's and stack them proper. This slight disarray is making me tense, but I'm trying really hard to lighten up. It's all about baby steps.

And then, because I can't leave well enough alone, I decide to add adornment to the candy decor.


An empty frame and my all-time favorite childhood game. Husker Du. Did anyone else play that, or was it just me? Once upon a time, I was cleaning out a cabinet in my mom's house and found it. And like all things I find at her house, I took it.

My sister saw this game the other day and did one of those gasp-shock-horror sounds. She claimed she loved this game too and demanded to know where I got it. Oh, the nerve! I told her (in my loudest, older sister voice) that it's mine. She seriously better stay away from it. About a year ago we had a show-down over the Strawberry Shortcake blanket. Don't you dare even ask who won because it's hidden in my closet.

So, the moral of the story is this:
Buy more candy. And decorate your counter with it.

That advice is free.
You're welcome.