Monday, June 30, 2008

Injured In The Line Of Duty

My girls beg for pop tarts. I never buy them--which is quite strange, because I embrace all foods that are bad for you. But, I recently discovered organic, whole wheat pop tarts at Costco. Despite the amount of sugar I eat, I am actually a huge 'label reader' and I cook quite healthy (desserts don't count). But, my kids have proclaimed that these pop tarts are disgusting...

This morning, I decided to toast the organic, whole wheat pop tarts and prove to these girls that they are tasty. As I pulled the tart from the toaster, it landed on my hand, the frosting side burning a hole through my thumb and all the way to China.

Do you realize how valuable your thumb is? One whole digit can mean so much! When I tried to pee, I couldn't pull my pants back up, or button them for that matter. I thought about just waiting there until Todd got home, but it was only 8:30 am.....I shimmied them up. I'm thinking about filing for Workers Compensation. After all, I was injured on the job.

From now on, I'm sticking with my original plan--no more pop tarts. They're hazardous to your health.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Life Skills

This watermelon slice hangs in my closet. It makes me happy. The summer when I was 9 or 10 yrs. old, my mom and my friend's moms took turns teaching us something--my mom taught us to crochet.

Now my mom is teaching my girls to crochet. Maybe, in 15 yrs., they will hang their pot holders in their closets.

The last couple of days, I have been in wonder at this life skill that my mom taught me, and is now passing on to my girls.
My thoughts have also started to wonder about what life skills that I am passing on to them. I have been perplexed....until today.

Cake batter. Gobs and gobs of it. I have given them the skill and the opportunity of learning how to eat cake batter (yellow is the best).
I don't think these girls realize how fortunate they are to have a mother like me. Seriously, only amazing parents let their kids eat cake batter--for lunch.

So, I wonder which life skill will serve them better? The world can only hold so many pot holders...so, my money is on the cake batter.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

I'm Grumpy

I'm so irritated and grumpy, I've been having a pity party all day. I have reached my maximum that I can handle with two things--the heat and my kids.

It is just so darn hot, I'm sick of it. And guess what, the worst is yet to come. I sat at swimming lessons today and realized that I was sweating in crevices that I didn't know I had. The heat just makes me grouchy. All this humidity makes me feel like I'm inside the dishwasher. It's not natural.

On top of the heat, my kids are driving me to consider becoming a nun. If I hear one more child yell, "moooommmm!", I swear I'm going to scratch my eyes out with a plastic fork. I told them today that for every time they said my name, they had to pay me a quarter. I'm up to $467. 25.

I took my kids (plus 3 more) to a bouncy house place so that they could run around and not irritate me. After I paid $500 to get them in, they continued to sit by me and whine and tell me that I never let them do what they what. I had to control myself from barfing right on top of them. And to make my day even sweeter, my van died. Right there in the parking lot.

In the end, Todd came to save my car and my mom showed up and saved all the children from imminent death. I sat and took deep cleansing breaths. I also realized that the ONLY enjoyable moment in my day, was reading the following story sent to me from my mom. It's a story by Dave Barry about his colonoscopy (it's even more crazy, funny when you have actually experienced one-which I have). Who knew that colonoscopies and pity parties could go hand in hand.....

Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep', which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.

And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


Oooo, la, la. So divine. My mom was going through some boxes and look at the gem she found. Oh, the hotness. Can't you just feel it?! She put this in the kitchen and when I walked in, my breath just caught in my throat for a second or two. It's just so....well, stunning, don't you think? My brother and his picnic blanket shirt is definitely bringing sexy back. And after looking at this picture, I think I'm going to start parting my hair down the middle and wearing white, plastic barrettes. Oh, and I think I'm going to hunt down that shirt my mom is wearing...straight, classy fashion!!

Monday, June 23, 2008

Texas Safari

Who knew that you could find 80 acres in Texas that are set aside to resemble an African Safari? Today we braved the heat and the flies and went on an adventure. You ride in an open tram throughout the 80 acres. The animals walk right up to you and eat out of your bucket of food. Fantastic.

I didn't know that Texas Longhorns can be found on an African Safari.

Holding our buckets of food while behind us the 'world's largest rodent' eats his vegetables. I guess that even rodents follow the food pyramid.

Feeding from our buckets.

As we drive by the enclosed alligator pond, Makell asks, "so, what do alligators eat?" My reply, "children". A few minutes later I heard her whisper to herself, "...alligators eat kids?"

We were informed that the ostrich brain is the size of a marble. Hmmm. If that's true, then some of the guys I dated were ostriches.

Sam feeding the ginormous buffalo. He got a little fiesty and completely took her bucket of food away from her.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Free Spirit

Doesn't everyone play tetherball without their pants on?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Just Like Cocaine, Only Prettier

I feel strongly that frosting ranks toward the top of the list of 'most amazing things ever invented' (babysitters rank slightly higher). I love frosting. And, it has to be the really bad stuff that is made from lard. Straight heaven. I would wear it as lip gloss if I could. I could also bathe in it and spread it on my toast. I'll skip a meal just so I can eat half a birthday cake.

I bought this cookie at the mall. I carried it around with me for some time, and just looked at it. I would smell the frosting and feel euphoria. I carried it all the way to the car where I ate it in quiet solitude. I'm thinking of starting a support group for all the frosting addicts out there--"Hi, I'm Lisa and I love frosting more than cute shoes."

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

My Kellie

Today is Makell's birthday. She is 9. Every year at this time, I'm always amazed that she and I have made it through another 365 days without getting arrested--her or me.

I love this girl. She has taught me more than I will ever teach her. She views life from a different angle. She is curious and can (at times) be ever so gentle. When she was a toddler, I cried every day. She was just so hard. I couldn't keep up with all her naughty-ness. I still can't. Now that she's older, I only cry every 3 days. She paces her naughty-ness out, and she goes to school so that I can have a break. Her teachers love her. How could you not love someone who notices when you get a new pair of shoes or a new haircut...

I think my Heavenly Father was trying to teach me something about myself when he gave me Makell. Let go, and enjoy life. Eat your food without utensils. 'People watch' wherever you go. Snuggle with any baby you can find. Jump in the neighbor's pool with your clothes on. Burp. Really loud. School is to play with friends, not to remember what your homework is. Give Hugs.

I adore you, Makell. I thank my Heavenly Father every day that you are mine.

Makell's Birthday Celebration:
SplashTown Water Park with sisters and friends.

Makell and her new tetherball. A couple of months ago, this girl became obsessed with tetherball. It's all she wanted for her birthday. To make sure that her dream came true, she went to the surest source for success--Nana.

Only one other thing she asked for--sticky tack.

Makell needs gum as much as she needs air to breathe.
Being the perfect mom that I am, I feed her obsession.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Artistic Expression

Before summer started, I spent oodles of time to find anything and everything cool, wacky and fun to do in this city (it's a crazy, big city). We then made a summer calendar with something planned almost every day. Last summer was quite a nightmare for us. I'm determined that this summer will have lots of good memories.

This is at a place called the Orange Show. Over 50 years ago, someone decided to create an outdoor exhibit out of all the things he had collected off the side of the road and to highlight how much he loved oranges.

This is the Art Car Museum. Every May, Houston has a parade downtown called the Art Car Parade. Local artists create these amazing cars. Who knew that you could paste sea shells and dinnerware onto a car....

Just think what these people could do if they took up origami.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

'With Experience'

I got my haircut today. I love getting my haircut. For 1 hour, you can sit in a chair where you are forced to do nothing but sit--and children are not allowed. What's not to love about that...

The salon I go to is very eclectic. Every time I go, I leave thinking that I really should get a tattoo and red highlights. It's a really, really nice salon. You sit in a separate room to have your hair washed. The room has dim lights and quiet, waterfall music in the background. While you get your hair washed you also get a scalp massage. Heaven. The girl who washed my hair today had on purple leg warmers. I think I'll pick up a pair while I'm out getting my tattoo.

When I called to schedule my haircut, I was asked if I wanted just a haircut, or a haircut 'with experience'. Hey, for $10 extra, I'll try anything. I was informed that I would receive a deeper scalp massage and then my hair would be conditioned with the vitamins it needs. Score. I eat mass amounts of sugar, so I'm sure my hair could use a good dose of vitamins.

So, now I have experienced hair. This just puts my hair in a whole different league than all the other hair that hasn't seen as much action. I don't mean to boast, but the other shoppers at Walmart did a double take when I walked by. It's not every day that you see experienced hair out in the general public. Who knew that $10 could buy you new hair and a flair for leg warmers!?

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


The high jump trampoline.

The spiderweb made of huge rubber bands.

Astronaut Addie.

Getting ready to run to the car (in the Texas rain) with our ponchos.

Monday, June 9, 2008

I'm Slipping

The unexpected has happened. For the second time in a couple of days...no one made their bed. Gasp! There they laid, those poor beds. Unmade for an entire day. Oh, the humanity! What will happen next if I let this kind of a thing continue? Just think if everyone stopped paying attention to which shoes go with which outfit. Ah! The horror!

I'm trying to have a carefree and fun summer. I'm determined. My kids are going to have fun this summer, even if I have to force the fun-ness on them. But, maybe I've taken my carefree attitude a little too far. No one made their bed today AND-I-DIDN'T-MAKE-THEM.What?!

The other day, my mom made the passing comment that I'm a triple A. I thought she was talking about my bra size, but then she clarified--"you're not type A, you're type AAA." Huh. Well, that would mean I'm uptight. No, scratch that. Crazy, insane uptight. Hmmm, there's no way that's accurate. But, funny enough, it is my true bra size.

So me and my triple A self let the beds go unmade. We went to the library instead. The entire time we were there I had a nervous twitch. At first I thought it was a side effect of spending too much time with my kids in a confined space, but then I realized it was the beds. I think that I'm going to save them tomorrow. Return the universe to its proper order.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Thursday, June 5, 2008

I Found Her Like This

Doesn't everyone sleep on their bedside table?

Wednesday, June 4, 2008


It's twins! Not for me, but for my sister!! Anyone who knows me well, knows my sister. I have known about the double duo for quite some time, I've just been waiting for her to spread the word on her own blog....and the day has finally arrived. She is 13 weeks, due in November. After countless heartaches and years of trying, she received a buy one get one free deal.

Every time I look at a mom that is pregnant with her first child, I have just a pinch of pity for her and I hear myself saying in my head, "run--save yourself." But, my sister will have better kids than I do. I think she has better DNA, so her scientific odds are higher that she won't give birth to children who will grow up to tell her that she is ruining their life.

What a happy day--she is pregnant, and I am not. Rounds of applause. I think my advice to her is to get a perm and a year supply of Red Bull. Oh, and make sure you look to me for all the things a parent should NOT do. Follow that, and you might just have a shot at this....

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

My Weakness

I have many weaknesses, but this is the worst. Shoes. REALLY darling shoes. When I see a pair that is just so cute, I can't hardly breathe. I start thinking about which child I can sell so that I can afford them.

When I turned 16, my parents opened a checking account for me. The first check I wrote was for a pair of shoes at Nordstrom. The--first--check!! Shoes fulfill a deep-down longing in my soul. I saw this pair of summer sandals today and they screamed out. Cute shoes just call to me. Cute, metal roosters call to me as well, but Todd has put his foot down on how many should be allowed in one household.

My weakness spills over to my girls as well. I just walk the shoe isles at Target and feel a special peace. Little girl shoes are even more darling, and cost less than $12.99! When we lived with my mom, she just couldn't believe how many shoes one family could own. She told me I could outfit a small country with all of them.

So, the next time you see a pair of shoes that you just adore--even if they have ridiculously large bows on them--stop, listen and hear if they are calling to you, and then buy them. No matter what the cost. You simply can't put a price on happiness.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Living With All Girls

Addie: "Daddy, are you a girlie-girl or a tomboy?"
Todd: (look of concern on his face) "I'm not either one, I'm a boy."
Addie: "No, you have to pick one. A girlie-girl or a tomboy."
Todd: (adamant) "I'm a boy, not a girl!"
Addie: "You're a girlie-girl."