Glimpses

My sister asked Makell what her favorite organ is. Odd question for sure. But her answer was immediate, "Your heart. Because that's where you remember people." Sweet whisperings ring true.

Remembering people has been a problem for me lately. It seems painful as of late. It makes the glimpses of my memories too difficult to see.

I've lived here now for almost 2 years. Just saying it makes it sound like a long time, but in my 'remembering' it is not. Life altering moments seem to bring life as you know it to a halt. Time then restarts. It's like you're starting over with a new life, one that you didn't expect to take shape. So, I feel like I am living a life that started 2 years ago. That's where my frame of reference for my present begins.

My current life feels like I took my old, shattered life and tried to put all the pieces back in place. Everything fits as it should, but the cracks remain. Life moves along and every so often I find myself unexpectedly settled into one of those cracks. That's where I'm stuck at the moment. I find myself too often looking back to my old life. The one without cracks. The one that was easier. Not easy, just easier.

There is a man in my ward who has cancer. He has undergone serious treatment and has lost a lot of weight. He now looks so much like my dad when he was sick. It's hard for me to look at him. That 'remembering' gets in my way. This wonderful man spoke a week ago and I watched him with tears in my eyes. At first I just wanted him to quickly finish and sit down. But as time went on, I found myself yearning for him to keep talking forever. I stared and I could see my dad. Standing there at the pulpit in his blue suit. Just like always.

Living a life that has been shattered and pieced back together is difficult to describe to someone. I actually don't think it can be done. It can only be felt. Words just can't express the meaning. And they can't give light to the aftermath of trying to live in a life that is held together by cracks.

In one way or another we are all living with cracks. Mine are just in different places than yours. Some cracks are deeper and wider than others. But at least all of the pieces are still there. It may not look like I want it to, but it is assembled into a whole nonetheless.

Makell is right. 'Remembering' and 'hearts' go hand-in-hand. You simply can't have one without the other. As it should be....cracks and all.