Monday, June 8, 2009


My sister asked Makell what her favorite organ is. Odd question for sure. But her answer was immediate, "Your heart. Because that's where you remember people." Sweet whisperings ring true.

Remembering people has been a problem for me lately. It seems painful as of late. It makes the glimpses of my memories too difficult to see.

I've lived here now for almost 2 years. Just saying it makes it sound like a long time, but in my 'remembering' it is not. Life altering moments seem to bring life as you know it to a halt. Time then restarts. It's like you're starting over with a new life, one that you didn't expect to take shape. So, I feel like I am living a life that started 2 years ago. That's where my frame of reference for my present begins.

My current life feels like I took my old, shattered life and tried to put all the pieces back in place. Everything fits as it should, but the cracks remain. Life moves along and every so often I find myself unexpectedly settled into one of those cracks. That's where I'm stuck at the moment. I find myself too often looking back to my old life. The one without cracks. The one that was easier. Not easy, just easier.

There is a man in my ward who has cancer. He has undergone serious treatment and has lost a lot of weight. He now looks so much like my dad when he was sick. It's hard for me to look at him. That 'remembering' gets in my way. This wonderful man spoke a week ago and I watched him with tears in my eyes. At first I just wanted him to quickly finish and sit down. But as time went on, I found myself yearning for him to keep talking forever. I stared and I could see my dad. Standing there at the pulpit in his blue suit. Just like always.

Living a life that has been shattered and pieced back together is difficult to describe to someone. I actually don't think it can be done. It can only be felt. Words just can't express the meaning. And they can't give light to the aftermath of trying to live in a life that is held together by cracks.

In one way or another we are all living with cracks. Mine are just in different places than yours. Some cracks are deeper and wider than others. But at least all of the pieces are still there. It may not look like I want it to, but it is assembled into a whole nonetheless.

Makell is right. 'Remembering' and 'hearts' go hand-in-hand. You simply can't have one without the other. As it should be....cracks and all.


Anonymous said...

You just know how to say things, and exactly the right way. I cried...how true, how true. May we all be able to someday make peace with the cracks and learn why they were there. And enjoy all the wonderful spots along the way- remembering is a good thing! :) Thanks for the reminder Makell!

Rani said...

Beautiful. Profound. Truth. Thank you for finding the perfect words that always escape me. I hope you know how much you comfort others by sharing your pain and I hope and pray that you find comfort, too. Gracias, amiga.

Kerri said...

Your words were so unbelievably touching! You are right, we all have cracks in different places.

You have an amazing way of saying the things we all feel.

Suburban Hippie said...

This makes my heart hurt. I wish I had some words of comfort, I love you.

quiet grace said...

Your words are touching and beautiful!! I think about you and your family all the time. Miss you and love you!!

sturpin said...

You are right - it's hard to explain - but you did a good job.
:) from someone living in a crack

Becky Leland said...

Lisa, your remarks are beautiful and your heart is even more BEAUTIFUL!!!

I love you and your family!

Fisherdude said...

Thanx for your insight about cracks.

When Carolyn passed it left a big crack in my life.
When your Dad left, another crack. He was a good friend.

Shelly said...

I am Mike's wife (from Utah). We read your blog every day and always look forward to what laughs we will find there. However, this post really touched me and compelled me to comment. We are foster parents and your comment about the cracks breaking you apart and never fitting together quite right again is exactly how I feel right now. You described it perfectly! It is so hard to fall in love with these little ones and then have to say goodbye. Thank you for touching our lives with your laughter and heartfelt wisdom. Can't wait for the next post!!

The Hollingshaus House said...

Great post, Lisa. Thanks.