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Friday, December 5, 2008

Dad

Today is your birthday.

I've thought of you all day. It's been painful because I miss you. My mind still lives in a realm where I can't accept that you are not here. I exist on the belief that you have to be here somewhere. You just have to, because my own existence is defined by it. I close my eyes and I can see you. I hear your voice on the other end of the phone. I cry and then quietly beg and plead for you to come back. Please just come home and walk through the door. Please just call and reassure us that everything will eventually work out.

Everywhere I go, I am reminded of you. I can't escape it. I never expected that my memories would haunt me with the reality of what I have lost for the future. It's as if the deepest part of my soul has gone missing and can't be replaced. Why has that happened? How can it be fixed? I'm sure there is no answer to satisfy my questions. And even if there were, the pain would still remain. It's always present. The prickly edges of the pain have slightly worn down, but its core is fixated inside me. I don't expect it will ever leave.

On this day I want you to know of my love for you--my gratitude for being your daughter. We all now work to live the kind of lives that will take us to where you are. You set the standard and we are trying to reach it. Before you left, I told you to wait for me there. Someday I will feel your hugs again and hear your voice. Until then, I will wait. I will think of you and teach my girls all that you taught me. I will wait.....

Happy birthday dad. I love you.

10 comments :

The Zoo Keeper-ette said...

Lisa,
Your dad was just my uncle, but I too thought of him all day today. I don't know why or how I remember his birthday whn I don't know any of my other aunts or uncles, but it has alwyas seemed to stick. Yes, we are all striving to get where he is and I am sure he is closer than you know, cheering you on!! We love you and are thinking of your entire family today!

Jody said...

Lisa,

What a beautiful tribute to your Dad. I'm sure he would be proud of the wonderful mother and person you have become. I know the writings you share are helping more people than you can ever imagine. Thanks for sharing part of you.

Madi said...

I miss him too. I remember every time he was there, I was there too. He always welcoming me like I was part of your family. I miss him too.

Straight Fancy said...

How lucky he is to have you as a daughter. Hugs and love!

Kevin said...

The hurt will not ever leave. After 20 years of dealing with a similar hurt I have learned that it is as it should be. The purpose is to help you never forget. How could you ever forget. You cannot. He knows. And, in his own sphere he is feeling the same 'hurt' you are. I hope that 19 years from now you will have 20 of these posts to look back on. They will be special to you and your family.

Becky Leland said...

Lisa, the two men in my life that I love and are no longer here on earth are Grandpa Ginn (my Dad) and Evan Ginn ( your Dad, and my brother). I will say to you what my Dad always said to me -"God Bless you sister" and your Dad every time we talked - "I love you lady". Two of the greatest men ever! They will NEVER be forgotten!

Quelly said...

Kevin is right, the hurt never does leave but the peace will eventually over power it and make it less prickly.

I often wonder what Evan and Carolyn are up to...

Rani said...

Such a sweet, tender tribute to your dad. What a comfort to know he's watching over your little family! God bless you, girl. You made it through today!

Amanda Holbrook said...

Lisa, I just want you to know I felt the Spirit so strongly as I read through this letter. I want you to know I feel so much love for you!

Grammie said...

A dear man and a dear friend. We miss him so much!