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Monday, November 24, 2008

Something Wicked This Way Comes

I could feel it before we even got in the car...that mother instinct that whispers, "somethin' wretched is a comin'...." I knew what was in store, but I was just too tired to gear up for it. Stake Conference. Super-sized church. Two hours of threats to make my kids behave. Two hours of looking at all the parents who gave birth to reverent children. The ordeal was yesterday, and only now can I write about it. Cringe.

My first hint should have been the family that moved 5 minutes after we sat down. When we first plopped into our seats, I turned to warn them of what it was like to sit by us. They left soon thereafter. The mom leaned down and said to me, "I promise it's not you." Oh, uh huh, and I'm Nancy Reagan. As the meeting started, I tried channeling all the positive mom-ness I possessed. It lasted 8 minutes. After that, I was reverently yelling at them through my clenched teeth. At one point, Addie was trying to color on my shoe and hit me, Makell was laying on the floor in the isle with a 2 yr. old, and I'm trying to get them to both return to their seats. As I sighed with stress, I noticed a note from one of my kids. It is laying out in the isle for all to see, written in big letters, "You're A Loser!" At least all the words were spelled correctly.

Just as the freak show was in full tilt, I looked to Todd for help. He doesn't notice my distress call because he's coloring! In--A--Coloring--Book! He is so focused on his parrot, he doesn't have a clue about his surroundings. His greatest concern is the pattern he is coloring on the parrots wing! For the love of all that is just and true, are you kidding me!? I swear I almost clocked him, along with the kids.

After the meeting ended, my fury had caused me to be mute. I couldn't speak for fear of the profanity I would use in the church. You can cuss at home, but not on hallowed ground. A woman from my ward commented, "wow, you sure have been blessed with some....uh....lively children."

For reals, my calling and election is made sure.

9 comments :

cindy said...

I am laughing out loud to the point of everyone in my family staring at me with that "mom's losing it again" look of concern!

Absolutely hysterical...a parrot...your life is nothing short of brillian!

The Zoo Keeper-ette said...

Oh, I see the book coming to fruition right this very instant, yes little gems like this one, and you'd sell millions! Ahh, I love hearing that I am not the only one. Conner told me in church on Sunday, "Mom, your face is red!" Hmm, wonder why?! (He actually had nothing to do with the redness at that moment too) :) Gotta love it! As we hang on for the ride for all we're worth! :)

chillywillyk said...

you know stories like this one make me miss you all even more :( but i did laugh through the tears. i'm glad my 'only son', shrek, and todd are about on the same level. i will send u an email w/ a funny story...love & miss you all!!!

Kristin said...

If we hadn't sat in the RS room to listen w/a couple other noisy families, I would've been mute on the way out of church, too.

Straight Fancy said...

We also had our stake conference. 10 minutes into the meeting I took Isaac into the RS room, which only had two families in it, and closed the door. Isaac was free to run while I watched in peace. It was my hope that Wade and the other crazies would not find me but alas I was found. All the kids came on it and ended up playing with the other children while we tried to ignore them. After they said the closing prayer I went to find Wade. There he was sitting in peace and quiet holding someone elses baby! I guess since he was able to listen and feel of the spirit so much I should expect perfection from him from now on.
Just think, 6 months before we have to do that again. My only hope it to get asked to speak next conference. Scary but I think it would be better than hanging with the crazies!

Suburban Hippie said...

Was that family all blond except for the dad... 2 boys and 2 girls? If so I know why they moved and it wasn't because of you.

How about that crazy opening prayer?

Amanda Holbrook said...

I am not a big fan of Stake Conference! Is it ok to say that? No matter what time you get there you always sit in the back, in the hard chairs. I told Shannon when it was over that it was torture and I was in the inferno of pressure! My girls were bad too! You know it's bad when the Area Authority seemed to go on
F O R E V E R!
You know you are in a good place when all you want it to be is-over!!! I too, thought the o.prayer was a bit different.
You are not alone Lisa! I just didn't have a husband who was coloring, that's all! haha

Kevin said...

What is it they say about 'payback'?

Madi said...

Oh, Lisa, don't worry. Your family is not HALF as lively as mine is.....