Something Wicked This Way Comes

I could feel it before we even got in the car...that mother instinct that whispers, "somethin' wretched is a comin'...." I knew what was in store, but I was just too tired to gear up for it. Stake Conference. Super-sized church. Two hours of threats to make my kids behave. Two hours of looking at all the parents who gave birth to reverent children. The ordeal was yesterday, and only now can I write about it. Cringe.

My first hint should have been the family that moved 5 minutes after we sat down. When we first plopped into our seats, I turned to warn them of what it was like to sit by us. They left soon thereafter. The mom leaned down and said to me, "I promise it's not you." Oh, uh huh, and I'm Nancy Reagan. As the meeting started, I tried channeling all the positive mom-ness I possessed. It lasted 8 minutes. After that, I was reverently yelling at them through my clenched teeth. At one point, Addie was trying to color on my shoe and hit me, Makell was laying on the floor in the isle with a 2 yr. old, and I'm trying to get them to both return to their seats. As I sighed with stress, I noticed a note from one of my kids. It is laying out in the isle for all to see, written in big letters, "You're A Loser!" At least all the words were spelled correctly.

Just as the freak show was in full tilt, I looked to Todd for help. He doesn't notice my distress call because he's coloring! In--A--Coloring--Book! He is so focused on his parrot, he doesn't have a clue about his surroundings. His greatest concern is the pattern he is coloring on the parrots wing! For the love of all that is just and true, are you kidding me!? I swear I almost clocked him, along with the kids.

After the meeting ended, my fury had caused me to be mute. I couldn't speak for fear of the profanity I would use in the church. You can cuss at home, but not on hallowed ground. A woman from my ward commented, "wow, you sure have been blessed with some....uh....lively children."

For reals, my calling and election is made sure.