Thursday, June 26, 2008

I'm Grumpy

I'm so irritated and grumpy, I've been having a pity party all day. I have reached my maximum that I can handle with two things--the heat and my kids.

It is just so darn hot, I'm sick of it. And guess what, the worst is yet to come. I sat at swimming lessons today and realized that I was sweating in crevices that I didn't know I had. The heat just makes me grouchy. All this humidity makes me feel like I'm inside the dishwasher. It's not natural.

On top of the heat, my kids are driving me to consider becoming a nun. If I hear one more child yell, "moooommmm!", I swear I'm going to scratch my eyes out with a plastic fork. I told them today that for every time they said my name, they had to pay me a quarter. I'm up to $467. 25.

I took my kids (plus 3 more) to a bouncy house place so that they could run around and not irritate me. After I paid $500 to get them in, they continued to sit by me and whine and tell me that I never let them do what they what. I had to control myself from barfing right on top of them. And to make my day even sweeter, my van died. Right there in the parking lot.

In the end, Todd came to save my car and my mom showed up and saved all the children from imminent death. I sat and took deep cleansing breaths. I also realized that the ONLY enjoyable moment in my day, was reading the following story sent to me from my mom. It's a story by Dave Barry about his colonoscopy (it's even more crazy, funny when you have actually experienced one-which I have). Who knew that colonoscopies and pity parties could go hand in hand.....

Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep', which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.

And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


Anonymous said...

Sorry about the bad day. Must mean it's time to fly to Kentucky for a visit!!!!!!!!!! Laughed harder than I have since "Leaner Weaner" over the journal entry. That was funny!!!

Kevin said...

Very nice. Needed that laugh today. Sorry for your troubles.
After my last trip to Houston someone told me that the original name for the area was 'Hot' but then nobody was coming there so they disguised it with some more letters, uson.

Anonymous said...

Ok dear,
I am very sorry for the heat and kids, but you sure made us smile. Mom and Dad are here visiting us, and the 3 of us were on the floor crying we were laughing so hard!!! Mom and I have both had the procedure described, and you know, I have just never heard such a wonderful explanation. Lovely!! Absolutely perfect! So I hope today was better and maybe in December or January, you will get a break :)
Love ya-
Cousin Candy

Alesha said...

Oh, I really feel your pain. It helps me remember why I moved to Utah. And...I think I just wet myself reading Dave Barry.

stevele said...


You always make my day. I'm sooo glad that you started your blog. I miss you so much and the great times that we had at WordPerfect/Novel (sigh...). Keep in touch.

Love ya lots,


Maren said...

Oh my word. Brian and I were laughing so hard we were crying. Thanks for the ab workout!