Oh, How I Need Her

My voice feels silent lately. And my heart. Because my head can't find a way to accept that I have a daughter leaving for college. Everything about that statement makes me sad. And I can't find a way to kick myself out of it.

The first day of school has come and gone. That's usually a milestone day for me. Not this year. Because only 2 walked out and back in those doors. It's always been 3. Always. I don't know how to handle it. My mother heart can't work it's way around this change.

I know it's time. For her to move on. But I can't seem to find a way to relax my grip on her. I want her here every day. For the rest of forever. I want to protect her, feed her and take care of her in all the ways it's always been. But that is not the plan.

The plan is to move forward in the journey. And I find myself at an impasse to let her move into her own space. I know it's the right thing to do, but I can't find the will to let it happen. I want to grab on to her with both hands and hold her so tight, she soaks into my skin. But then I remember she's already there. She always has been and always will be.

So I'm preparing my heart in all the ways I know how. To let her walk into her own journey. The one where she mans the boat all on her own. But boy, does my heart hurt just with the idea of it all. I knew this time would come, but I never expected it to be excruciating. How is a mother supposed to let part of her heart live so far away from home? It can be done, I guess. It's just the doing part that tests my limits of bravery.

May we see these children of ours. With eyes that know only their beauty. Because they are a gift. Even on those bad days. Especially on the rough ones. This is what I was made for. Right here, right now. To have these 3 daughters stitched into the very fabric of my soul. To let them light my way in all their extraordinary ways.

We mother on. No matter where they live or how long the distance. They hold our heart right where they are. Forever. That's the truth I'm grasping on to. The hope that let's the future play out as it may. Hold tight to those you love. And they'll hold you right back. Their love will keep you standing.