Thinking Only

Today has been one of those unscheduled days. If you know me, you know I don't do well unscheduled. If there is no plan for the day, I'm left feeling a bit undone. Frayed at the edges. I accomplish nothing on these days. For some, that may be bliss. For me, it's a waste of my waking hours.

In between spurts of doing loads of laundry and sitting on the couch, I found myself thinking. It's the one thing I've actually accomplished today. Maybe the last 12 hours wasn't a wash after all. Here are the thoughts that have simmered in my mind--

* I've put no thought towards summer. I haven't formulated any kind of a plan. None. Summer starts in 4 days. I'm dead in the water.

* I can't seem to force myself to wear shorts. It's hotter than the face of the sun here, but I just can't slip them on. You wanna know why? My legs are white. Super scary white. I'm going to have to find a way to get over it.

* I undermine my sister's authority as a parent. It's not nice, but I still do it. Tonight she said that the baby couldn't have a candy bar, but I gave it to her anyway. Keagan wanted it, and I have a tendency to let her have whatever she wants. I can't help it. Maybe I can work on this character flaw while I'm devising a way to wear my shorts.

* When we lived in Utah, we had a babysitter that became a 2nd mom to my kids. She was a much better mother than I ever will be. She started babysitting for me when she was 12. This weekend she graduated from high school. Today I thought about her. She is everything I would hope for my girls to become. If her mom were ever willing to give her up, I'd happily keep her forever.

* Today is a day for remembering. A Memorial Day. It feels like tradition tells me to visit my dad's grave. You would think this is an easy task. His cemetery is down the street. But yet, I can't. I don't like it there. I only seem to be able to stand at the sight where I last saw his coffin, on his birthday and Father's Day. Some people find immense peace where their love is buried. I do not. Every time I am there, the air feels more still and my mind travels to places that seem to lengthen the hole in my heart. So today I choose to remember him here, instead of there.

I hope that you have had a Memorial Day filled with good memories...and a little bit of thinking.